Trait of the Privileged.

22 Jun

“History has demonstrated that the most notable winners usually encountered heartbreaking obstacles before they triumphed.” -Bertie C. Forbes

 Let’s hope this is true. I’ve been thinking a lot lately. What else is new?

I don’t even know how to sum it up. Like right now I just considered giving up writing in this again because I feel anything I say will barely even touch the surface of what I’ve felt or thought of. It’s like when I’m having a good conversation with someone. I feel proud when I have fully connected with the person because I was clear and intelligent and caring while discovering within myself something i did not understand before. It also helps things come full circle and when you are really connecting with someone they offer new perspectives and ideas that further your process even more. On the other hand, I feel failure when I have tried to open up to someone and it is just not working. Sometimes it’s my fault for not conveying my thoughts clearly or not being available, but sometimes it could just be that the connection isn’t there. I recently have been watching some great movies while at home. My wonderful friend sent me a list of ten movies that will change my life/how i view the world. I’ve seen Transamerica, Heights, The Hours, Notes on a Scandal… and next is Girl,Interrupted.

I watched Notes on a Scandal last night. First off, Judi Dench is untouchable and Cate Blanchett is remarkable. Both characters are so strong and powerful you forget you are watching actors, which is something I rarely do. There were many very moving points in this movie but the one that stood out to me was Judi Dench’s line:  “It’s a peculiar trait of the privileged: immediate, incautious intimacy.” She says this as Cate Blanchett’s character, Sheba, is telling Barbara many of her problems, past and present, upon their first get together. I recently read a blog that thought this quote had to do with economic or social status. But there is no proof in the movie that Sheba grew up wealthy or in a good environment, only that she inherited a nice house. So, it was an interesting perspective, but I definitely took this line a different way. And it was beautiful.

I know several people like this. And they are some of the most amazing people I’ve met. And I think what makes them so amazing is the fact that these people are often the ones who have been hurt the most in life. And I know that  is a hard thing to judge based on an outside perspective but judging from what they have had to deal with in their life, it’s pretty damn beautiful that they can be so vulnerable and available to others.

Now i think this trait of immediate, incautious intimacy can scare many people; after all, it’s not really considered  ‘socially acceptable’ to be so open to intimacy and connection. I wish it was though. It’s such an amazing thing. It’s not being afraid. It’s being uninhibited. It’s something I work on everyday.

ALSO: I’m beginning to feel that artisitcally, I am ready to go to New York. Since I’ve started working out, eating right, getting things together, and (here’s the kicker) rehearsing monologues… it’s like I’m finally seeing an opening of light. I know these next few days will be hard. Leaving both parents (depressing for two very different reasons), leaving my brother (he goes to military school the week after I leave…), leaving old friends, leaving a guy I could quite possibly have a future with; overall, leaving this invisible security blanket I feel I have here. But I know this is what is right. All of these emotions and thoughts and feelings have already inspired me to act and write and breathe and live fully. Whether they are positive or negative emotions… they are still emotions… and I’m feeling them. I’m so thankful for that.

Moving.

19 Jun

“Success seems to be connected with action. Successful people keep moving. They make mistakes but don’t quit.” -Conrad Hilton

New idea. Quote before every blog post. And it won’t be some random quote, oh no, it will be relative! Yay! Well, let’s get down to the good stuff.
 I’ve been all over the place lately; it’s been hard to see who I really am and what I am here to do. Even though I know in my heart what I want my journey to be. Something happened today. That kind of changed things. I got my letter in the mail from the acting program I am doing this summer in New York. It had my weekly schedule of classes. My friend, who I met in college and who is also doing the program with me sent me a text message she got her letter in the mail. SO, I quickly drove to my dad’s house and ripped that letter open, the whole time squealing with excitement.

If that doesn’t say something, I don’t know what does. Sure, like I said in an earlier post, I am scared shitless to go to this program and leave home again so soon and face insecurities and… ‘grow up.’   ‘Growing up’ is like the nice way of saying, “Suck it up. It was ok to complain about these things when you were younger. But get the fuck over it now.” …I could go on.
BUT I know from getting the letter today and reacting the way I did with it, that deep down I AM CRAVING AND NEEDING THIS IN MY LIFE. Woah, hey caps. So, drawing this back to the quote of the day… and as i think we’ve already established it would be easier and more comfortable for me to stay home, a thousand miles away from the city that scares me and inspires me the most, however, successful people keep moving and don’t let things that scare them get in the way of their dreams. I’m even going on an audition the day after I get into New York! And I’m very frightened about the audition but maybe it’s meant to be! I’ll give it a shot anyways!

That’s all for now.

Also, a sidenote. I feel too connected to the interwebs. Maybe it’s just because I’m stuck at home not really doing anything… or maybe this is a good sign that it’s time to, dare i say it, give up twitter or facebook! I don’t think I could give up facebook… twitter, maybe. This blog I don’t want to give up because it’s legitimately legitimate. Yeah. I said that.

Already?

18 Jun

Second post already? That’s a little ridiculous, don’t you think? There is just too much going on to be not blogged about… I suppose. Who even reads this?I guess that doesn’t matter either. Like I said before I started this blog because:

A. I want to be able to track the process of my journey throughout the summer.

B. I’ve had a lot of difficulty writing things lately, so this is a way for me to write without judging it or thinking it has to be something.

C. I’ve just always wanted to have a blog.

So, just thought I should throw that out there. I’m in a weird place again today. Went to bed feeling great, woke up to an odd message from an old friend apologizing for the past… I didn’t exactly know how to react to that.  I still don’t. I am going to forgive her, I know it’s the right thing to do but she still caused me a lot of pain and even though I miss her, I know I’ll never be able to trust her again. After this, I found out some other pretty disappointing things that put me in a pretty difficult place and I said some pretty mean things to my dad. I feel awful. I don’t actually want to hurt him but he is constantly treating me very poorly and then calling me ungrateful and a bad daughter… I feel a lot of pity for him. He’s carrying so much on his shoulders and yet I never fail to see his kind heart. I wish this all didn’t hurt so much. Sorry… I don’t mean to be depressing. I don’t know why I’m whining about my problems. They aren’t that important.

I just feel so stuck.

The Beginning

18 Jun

I’ve been blocked. As a good friend described it to me today, I have ‘actor’s block.’ Now you see, actor’s block is like writer’s block (which coincidently, I am experiencing now as well.) Ever since I have stopped acting I’ve had this overwhelming sense of hopelessness and it’s continued to get worse! Hey, don’t worry faithful reader, I am not a pessimist nor am I agnostic… what that has to do  with anything, I haven’t a clue. Anyways, just wanted to let you know I’m not manic-depressive or anything like that; I’d like to play a manic-depressive character come to think of it. Someday. BUT, I haven’t actually stopped acting. I just haven’t been acting for  a while now. You see, I’ve been back at home in a rural town in the middle of the United states for about 6 weeks now… it has gone so fast. I go to college in New York city for acting and I am going back again in about a week to do an acting program I got into for basically the rest of my summer. I’m subletting an apartment and doing lots of big girl things. Scary.

I’ve dealt a lot lately with this fear. I have many friends from Indiana or California who always say, “Man, I can’t wait to go back to New York city! It’s the best!” While I do agree that New York is an amazing city unlike any other my opinion varies slightly from those of some of my classmates. Every time I get on a plane to go back to New York, I am scared out of my mind. It is uncomfortable for me to go there. I like to consider myself a nice person, and the streets of New York are pretty mean, and so are some of the people (however there are mean people everywhere.) But it’s hard to explain, because I also feel a draw to be there. It is where i need to be, and I know that to accomplish my dream I need to be in New York. This is very hard to explain through blog…I am a very passionate person. I believe inspiration drives the world and all I want to do in my life is inspire others through theatre and just in life as well. I have dreams, most having to do with theatre and it scares me thinking of the fact that there is a very large chance I will never carry out them. But something crazy inside of me tells me this is what I need to do with my life. It is my destiny. It is the only thing I can imagine myself doing in life and being happy with. At the end of the day, the one thing that has always been there for me has been the strength buried deep in my soul which is intertwined with my passion for acting which I call the flame in my heart. Lit by God. Now it’s my job to keep that flame lit. That’s a big challenge.

I often think how much easier it would be for me to stay home, get a business degree and live within the safety of my mother and father’s arms. But what is safety? An invisible blanket that we like to put on? It gives us a false sense of comfort, but it isn’t really there. This sounds depressing, but it is kind of freeing. To admit that there actually is no such thing as security and life can change at any minute. Then we don’t have to worry too much about making intricate plans. 🙂 I still believe it is good to have some sort of life mapped out, at least with your heart. But what do I know?

Now the fact is, up until this day I have been unsure with whether I actually want to do this acting program in New York. My relationship with my parents has not been well lately and I feel a tremendous sense of guilt and sadness about leaving them here. It is very difficult for them to see me go, and just as difficult for me to go. I have also been feeling a lot of doubt about whether I am good enough to make it. But someone convinced me today that it is absolutely irrelevant to be asking myself these questions.

I have figured it out though. I’m simply worn out. Emotionally and physically. My parents have been viciously tugging me back and forth since I got home, I still have not unpacked from school… I have not even had the chance to land and put my feet on the ground. How am I supposed to stay grounded when there is nowhere to plant my feet on? And I’m worried because I have this thing where every time I walk into an acting or theatre class I cannot put in less than 115%. Sounds cliché, but it is truth! And I do not feel like I have 115 to give now! With everything I have to do before I leave, how I am I supposed to reboot that quickly? It seemed pretty hopeless for a while but I’m starting to finally see the light. My friend convinced me that even though it is so hard for me to go to New York, and I’m not as excited as I wish I could be, that it makes it all the more beautiful that I am facing my fears, not taking the easy route, and doing what I love. This is why I want to keep this blog. As a way to keep track of my journey and see how I’ll grow as an actress and as a human being… which is really the same thing.

She also made a beautiful connection. You know that story about the footprints? A man dreams he is walking in sand on the beach and realizes there is only one set of footprints as he has sunk deep into the depths of depression and hopelessness… and he asks God, “Why would you abandon me at a time like this??” And God says…” I love you and will never leave you, never, ever, during your trials and testings. When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you.”

My very wise friend said to me, “In this situation, your passion is God. Your passion has carried you through these doubts and difficult times.” And then I realized that, to me, my passion and my God are connected more deeply than I had thought. I love when things come together. 

I urge you to let your passion and/or your higher power carry you away.